love does not keep locked inside

One of the prayers that I find myself repeating daily is that God would use me as Her instrument (yeah I said "Her," like it?). I close my eyes and picture myself laying my life down at the feet of Christ. I want to be made whole in order to serve, in order to bring others nearer to Him, "Everything I am, everything I long to be, I lay it down at Your feet" (Matt Maher). I see myself like clay, wet to the touch. I pray that I always stay supple, and open to change. In whichever way my Maker desires to mold me, I am ready. Well, I pray I am ready. 


I'm reading this book called Living Your Yoga by Judith Lasater. It's really been helping me put into words what I've been feeling. Although yoga seems to be a solitary practice, I've seen a transformation in my life off of the mat. The strength of my yoga practice is not measured by my ability to stand on my head for twenty minutes (which I've never tried) but I see the benefits in the way that I relate to others...to my community.


It's all about compassion. Ok, I know, you've heard that word a million times. But, what does it really mean? It is actually derived from Latin, the combination of the prefix com and the word pati means "to suffer with." The Yoga Sutra implies that compassion should be expressed to everyone at all times, and it is through this that we will be purified. We can only strengthen our ability to be compassionate by repeatedly expressing it. Practice makes perfect, yeah? 


Have you ever noticed how the most compassionate people in your life seem to be the ones who have gone through the most shit? (sorry?) But, really. Isn't it true? Compassion goes hand in hand with wisdom. And wisdom is gained from experience. Our experiences lead directly back to compassion. If I fully realize that I, in fact, have suffered, then I am able to see with clarity that others, in fact, suffer as well. I cannot stand alongside another who is suffering with a turned cheek, because I have been there, too. The only way to respond is to use compassion, to suffer with others. 


Last spring, I had this incredible experience to be front crew chief on USD's SEARCH retreat. This basically meant that I was in charge of the 8 leaders who were going to be giving witnesses and leading small groups on the retreat. This proved to be the most incredible experience for me to cultivate compassion. Throughout the semester, I met with each of the leaders and helped them develop their talks. Each one of them had a story, as all of us do. I was able to be with them along the process of finding the grace that exists within each of their stories. When the time came for the retreat, I had the honor of sitting next to each of them. I got to hold their hands, or put my arm around them as they read their witnesses. I was able to be God's hands for them. All I had to do was give my heart completely over to each of them. I will never forget the way it felt to give all of my love to a person who was suffering. The love that I received from the leaders was, and still is, immeasurable. I am forever changed because of this experience. 


Another experience that I feel called to witness to happened the day that we returned back to USD from the SEARCH retreat. We arrived back on campus in the afternoon, I went to lunch with some of my friends from the retreat, and got back in my car to drive home for a quick shower before the welcome back mass. I remember getting into my car and turning on my phone for the first time in three days. I started driving out of the parking structure and down the hill by the entrance of campus as I listened to my messages. I heard my aunt's voice in her message as she said, "I am so sorry to hear about your grandpa." My stomach dropped. The next message was my dad asking me to call as soon as I could. All I could do was press my foot on the break and park my car in the middle of the street. I was paralyzed. My friend Chase was driving behind me, and when he saw this, he ran to my car. I remember Chase pulling me out of my car and sitting me down on the sidewalk, then moving both of our cars safely to the side of the street. He sat with me as I suffered. He called two of my best friends, Paula and Kelsey. They dropped whatever they were doing and were holding me within minutes. That day, I was never left alone. They brought me back to my apartment to get ready for mass, and drove me back to Founder's Chapel. All of the people at USD that I love so dearly were surrounding me at mass, most of them not knowing what was going on. I couldn't keep myself together throughout mass, the loss of my grandpa was too much to bear. After mass, my friends sat with me in the pews. I don't even know how many hands were placed on me as I sat there, lost. After probably twenty minutes, I looked up and realized that more of my friends had gathered in a circle in the aisle next to me. They were holding hands and praying for me and my family. But, it didn't stop there. I was overwhelmed with the love that my community was showering me with. The priests that work on campus dedicated masses to my grandpa, my friends held prayer groups for my family during free periods, and I received so many hugs, there was no way I could fall apart. And that's how I'd describe what happened. I was being supported in every single direction, there was no way that my heart could break apart. This amazing community acted as God's hands, feet, eyes, and mouth for me during this time. Through their compassion, I was able to not only be held together, but to grow exponentially in my own love towards others. 


In my yoga classes, I challenge people to go to uncomfortable places--be it physical, emotional or mental. I challenge people to experience pain and to sit with it. But, my intention is only love. In my experience, growth is the most painful process that I have ever gone through. Growing pains are real. However, things that are good are sometimes difficult, but not all things that are difficult are always good. It is important for me to not use my place as a teacher to coerce or pressure my students into doing something that they do not want to do. Both the student and I must practice compassion--towards ourselves and each other. If we always act from the heart of compassion then there will be no confusion, we will always know what to do. 


Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love afterall matters the most
Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep locked inside


Love is the river that flows through
Love never fails you.


Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease at the end of time
Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes when you don't


Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you. 


When my heart won't make a sound
When it can't turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this


Love is right here
Love is ALIVE
Love is the way, the truth, the light


Love is the river that flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
and Love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you.






Open your heart. Love like there's no tomorrow. Love without boundaries. Love with no strings attached. If you do this, if you practice compassion, I promise you'll feel the arms that are holding you. They have been holding you all along.