love does not keep locked inside

One of the prayers that I find myself repeating daily is that God would use me as Her instrument (yeah I said "Her," like it?). I close my eyes and picture myself laying my life down at the feet of Christ. I want to be made whole in order to serve, in order to bring others nearer to Him, "Everything I am, everything I long to be, I lay it down at Your feet" (Matt Maher). I see myself like clay, wet to the touch. I pray that I always stay supple, and open to change. In whichever way my Maker desires to mold me, I am ready. Well, I pray I am ready. 


I'm reading this book called Living Your Yoga by Judith Lasater. It's really been helping me put into words what I've been feeling. Although yoga seems to be a solitary practice, I've seen a transformation in my life off of the mat. The strength of my yoga practice is not measured by my ability to stand on my head for twenty minutes (which I've never tried) but I see the benefits in the way that I relate to others...to my community.


It's all about compassion. Ok, I know, you've heard that word a million times. But, what does it really mean? It is actually derived from Latin, the combination of the prefix com and the word pati means "to suffer with." The Yoga Sutra implies that compassion should be expressed to everyone at all times, and it is through this that we will be purified. We can only strengthen our ability to be compassionate by repeatedly expressing it. Practice makes perfect, yeah? 


Have you ever noticed how the most compassionate people in your life seem to be the ones who have gone through the most shit? (sorry?) But, really. Isn't it true? Compassion goes hand in hand with wisdom. And wisdom is gained from experience. Our experiences lead directly back to compassion. If I fully realize that I, in fact, have suffered, then I am able to see with clarity that others, in fact, suffer as well. I cannot stand alongside another who is suffering with a turned cheek, because I have been there, too. The only way to respond is to use compassion, to suffer with others. 


Last spring, I had this incredible experience to be front crew chief on USD's SEARCH retreat. This basically meant that I was in charge of the 8 leaders who were going to be giving witnesses and leading small groups on the retreat. This proved to be the most incredible experience for me to cultivate compassion. Throughout the semester, I met with each of the leaders and helped them develop their talks. Each one of them had a story, as all of us do. I was able to be with them along the process of finding the grace that exists within each of their stories. When the time came for the retreat, I had the honor of sitting next to each of them. I got to hold their hands, or put my arm around them as they read their witnesses. I was able to be God's hands for them. All I had to do was give my heart completely over to each of them. I will never forget the way it felt to give all of my love to a person who was suffering. The love that I received from the leaders was, and still is, immeasurable. I am forever changed because of this experience. 


Another experience that I feel called to witness to happened the day that we returned back to USD from the SEARCH retreat. We arrived back on campus in the afternoon, I went to lunch with some of my friends from the retreat, and got back in my car to drive home for a quick shower before the welcome back mass. I remember getting into my car and turning on my phone for the first time in three days. I started driving out of the parking structure and down the hill by the entrance of campus as I listened to my messages. I heard my aunt's voice in her message as she said, "I am so sorry to hear about your grandpa." My stomach dropped. The next message was my dad asking me to call as soon as I could. All I could do was press my foot on the break and park my car in the middle of the street. I was paralyzed. My friend Chase was driving behind me, and when he saw this, he ran to my car. I remember Chase pulling me out of my car and sitting me down on the sidewalk, then moving both of our cars safely to the side of the street. He sat with me as I suffered. He called two of my best friends, Paula and Kelsey. They dropped whatever they were doing and were holding me within minutes. That day, I was never left alone. They brought me back to my apartment to get ready for mass, and drove me back to Founder's Chapel. All of the people at USD that I love so dearly were surrounding me at mass, most of them not knowing what was going on. I couldn't keep myself together throughout mass, the loss of my grandpa was too much to bear. After mass, my friends sat with me in the pews. I don't even know how many hands were placed on me as I sat there, lost. After probably twenty minutes, I looked up and realized that more of my friends had gathered in a circle in the aisle next to me. They were holding hands and praying for me and my family. But, it didn't stop there. I was overwhelmed with the love that my community was showering me with. The priests that work on campus dedicated masses to my grandpa, my friends held prayer groups for my family during free periods, and I received so many hugs, there was no way I could fall apart. And that's how I'd describe what happened. I was being supported in every single direction, there was no way that my heart could break apart. This amazing community acted as God's hands, feet, eyes, and mouth for me during this time. Through their compassion, I was able to not only be held together, but to grow exponentially in my own love towards others. 


In my yoga classes, I challenge people to go to uncomfortable places--be it physical, emotional or mental. I challenge people to experience pain and to sit with it. But, my intention is only love. In my experience, growth is the most painful process that I have ever gone through. Growing pains are real. However, things that are good are sometimes difficult, but not all things that are difficult are always good. It is important for me to not use my place as a teacher to coerce or pressure my students into doing something that they do not want to do. Both the student and I must practice compassion--towards ourselves and each other. If we always act from the heart of compassion then there will be no confusion, we will always know what to do. 


Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love afterall matters the most
Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep locked inside


Love is the river that flows through
Love never fails you.


Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease at the end of time
Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes when you don't


Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you. 


When my heart won't make a sound
When it can't turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this


Love is right here
Love is ALIVE
Love is the way, the truth, the light


Love is the river that flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
and Love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you.






Open your heart. Love like there's no tomorrow. Love without boundaries. Love with no strings attached. If you do this, if you practice compassion, I promise you'll feel the arms that are holding you. They have been holding you all along. 

you may return here once you realize you are always here

If you come to one of my yoga classes, you'll most likely hear me say something like this: "every posture (or asana) does not truly begin until you want to get out of it." I ask the people taking my class to think about what this means for their yoga practice. Some of the postures are really uncomfortable and all that we want to do is move into the next posture to find some sort of relief. But, I challenge myself and my students to stay with the discomfort, to breathe into it. "Every posture does not truly begin until we want to get out of it." 


I really like this lesson. The first time I heard it, it rocked my world. My practice was changed forever. I learned the importance of breath and how we can accomplish almost anything we put our minds to if we just breathe. I also learned that I was stronger than I thought I was. I think we all could use that knowledge.


The idea of burning through discomfort and coming out stronger on the other side is really beautiful and promotes so much growth, but it can only be done with a compassionate heart. While teaching last night, I began to think, is it really a good lesson to teach people to sit with discomfort? Or am I hurting them? To be honest, I probably heard this lesson so many times before, but it was not until one class about three years ago that I actually heard it. I think we begin to understand important lessons once we are ready to make a change. So much of what we call wisdom is really just a shift in perspective. We have all that we need already within us, we just have to realize that it is already here. This reminds me of a quote by T.S. Eliot:


We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time. 

I also like to think of this concept as a way for people to find God in their lives. I think it's fair to say that most of us have had those experiences of love, a rush of emotion that takes over and for just a moment, we are able to see the world in a whole new way. This love, I would argue, is God. Many of us have had a glimpse of Him in our lives, but sometimes it's hard to have faith that He is always here, within us. I'm thinking that the realization that God is always present is truly just a radical change in perspective as well:


"At that moment of realization (that union with God is always present), that's when God let me go, let me slide through His fingers with this last compassionate, unspoken message: 


You may return here once you have fully come to understand that you are always here." 


-Elizabeth Gilbert




You may return here once you realize you are always here. How cool is that? 


So this is all great. But, back to the yoga point. After class last night, I came home and started reading one of my books about yoga. I read the definition of "asana" (the physical practice of yoga), the definition from the Yoga Sutra is "The posture should be steady and comfortable." Hmmm...is that really what I've been teaching? I think in our Western mindset we tend to go to yoga for a really great workout, for Madonna arms and a killer core. That's a great side affect of yoga, but is it the main intention? No. 


I thought about this definition and came to realize that by using the exercise mantra of "no pain, no gain" we are only harming ourselves with self-judging internal dialogue. I read, "there was no way that I could be harsh toward myself and, at the same time, be compassionate to others. I realized also that the process of silently putting myself down was actually a form of egoism." This got me thinking that if I expect more of myself than I do of others, I am actually saying that I am better than others, and therefore must perform at a higher level. This doesn't mean that I should not set goals for myself, but it is how I react to my inability to meet the goals that is important. When I let myself get into the mode of self-judgement, I no longer am present; essentially, I no longer am practicing yoga. When I live free from self-judgement, I am able to live "steady and comfortable," present to my own life. When I live this way, I am living fully. 


What if we all thought about ourselves like this? Next time someone gives you a compliment, smile and say "thank you." If you tell yourself that you have to work out for an hour everyday, give yourself a break if you haven't been keeping up with that goal. If you tell yourself you're not eating sugar for the next week, and find yourself eating an oreo, let it go. Be easy on yourself. Be tender yet bold. Be as forgiving to yourself as you are to the people around you. Allow your true self to shine through. Don't be ashamed of your greatness, don't shrink down and hide your light. If we allow our own light to shine, we in turn allow others to do the same:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine.

We were born to make manifest the glory that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-Mariane Williamson

So my challenge to you is not to try hard but to try easy, be gentle and kind to yourself. Stay present to your own life by letting go of self-judgement. Let go of your grip on what you think you believe to be open to a shift in perspective. I promise once you let go, you'll be able to see what had been there the whole time. 


<3