knock three times...

For those of  you who don't already know, I have finally made the difficult decision to not return to East LA. I've been fighting this decision since I got home. I miss my community and yearn for the vibrancy of life experienced as a Jesuit Volunteer. Each day was a new adventure. Each day left something to be discovered, a new strength to be learned, a new depth in my heart to be brought to use. Each day was something beautiful, even the ones that I struggled to get through. It's difficult to leave a situation that was so life-giving, so challenging, and rewarding. I have been dreaming of being a Jesuit Volunteer for over a  year. I went through a stressful application process, and landed the job that also turned out to be my first pick. The last year of my life has been building up to this experience. It gave me something to feel safe about. I had something to do with my life. I had a purpose. Now...I'm left back at the beginning again. I literally have to invent my life from now on. 


The beauty of JVC is that I "knew" I was doing something worthwhile. I knew I was needed, and the work that I was doing was for a great cause. Right now, all that I know for sure is that I want to lead an extraordinary life. I don't ever want to settle for a job that just pays the bills. If you know me at all, you know I'd never make it a day in corporate America. It's just not me (Not to knock down the people who work in it, power to ya). I have been so open and so exposed to true compassion that no substitute will ever fulfill me. I want my life to be a living prayer. I pray that my heart is open wide enough in order to hear my calling, my vocation, from God. I know the only way to be truly happy is to lead the life we are meant to live. We must follow our hearts <3 


If there's one thing that I've learned from the last few months, it's that I don't need to be in southern California in order to experience God's love. I've received so much love in the past month that I feel like my heart is on overload! I cannot help but wonder how this ever happened. What did I do to deserve so much love? I know that I would do anything (and I mean anything) for the people that I love. But, to think that they would do the same for me? It's a little hard to grasp. I've had time to reflect on this gift. I stand back and look at my parents in awe. I really don't believe that there is any boundary to their love. I recall my dad saying that he'd "cross the entire world" for me. The thing is...I believe him. I know my parents love me and my brother and sister so dearly. Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I've ever doubted that. It's just that I've, more recently, become aware. I am practicing being grateful and mindful of my blessings. And, I sure am blessed. Speaking of being grateful, I can't forget to mention the amount of letters and packages, love notes, and e-mails that I've received from people near and far. I love you all more than you'll ever know. 


So, here I am. Back in the midwest. And it's good. My health is getting better, I'm taking care of myself and figuring out what I need. I've been re-hired at Corepower Yoga to teach five classes a week for now. They even sponsored me to get trained to teach Yoga Sculpt (a super fun yoga class that incorporates weights; the best part is I can include Usher on my playlist). So after I'm certified to teach this class, I'll add that into the mix. I really love teaching yoga. It might not sound like the greatest accomplishment, and it might not be the most glamourous post-college job. But, what does it matter what other people think? I feel incredibly blessed to be able to guide people through their yoga practice. I have put a lot of work into being a good teacher, and I continually am learning new ways to deepen my students' practice. I consider it an honor to be able to teach others not only the physical practice of yoga (asana) but also the lifestyle of yoga. I am continuously inspired by my students. It is amazing to be brought into their lives, especially when they share their experiences with me after class. However, my favorite part of teaching is something else. At the end of the class, when they are laying in savasana, I go around and place a cool towel on their forehead. What they don't know is that I say a prayer for each of them individually. Have you ever prayed intentionally for a stranger? It's really beautiful.


And that's what I do. I create awesome playlists, teach people to bend in funny ways, they leave class soaked in their own sweat, and I secretly pray for them. It's okay if you think it's funny. I guess it is a little. :) But you know what? I'm spreading love, and that's what it's all about. 


Other than yoga, I've been spending oober amounts of time with my family and friends. It feels so good to be around them. One of the campus ministers, Rob, from USD, is now working at DePaul University. So, the other night, I got to visit with him and go to DePaul's taize prayer service. It was truly breathtaking. I'm pretty stoked to get more involved in different groups in Chicago that work towards social justice. I visited one of Chicago's Catholic Worker houses and hope to do some work with them soon. I've also been exploring dance therapy, and am really excited about the possibility of studying it further...


What I'm trying to say is that after I made the decision to leave JVC, I felt very lost, and still continue to at times. I felt a little paralyzed...what do I do now? How will I ever find meaning to my life right now? But, as we have been told, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you" (Matt 7:7). 


Well, I'm knockin'. 


I'll sign off in prayer:

My Lord God I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that my desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

 -Thomas Merton