Monday, June 20, 2011

invade my heart

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--His good, pleasing, and perfect will."
Romans 12:2 


I'll admit something. Lately, I've been craving Reconciliation with my Lord. I confess that I have become comfortable in my faith. I have compared my faith to the faith of the world surrounding me, and let myself off the hook. I have been given the gift of a natural Faith, a heart that believes and trusts with every cell. In comparison to those around me, I can easily tell myself that I do enough--that I can slow down. I can feel this sensation creeping up on me over time. It doesn't happen all at once, but over a few months. I begin to experience a routine faith: daily conversation with God, regular mass attendance, but a slow separation between other parts of my life and God. To me, this is the point where I begin to notice my need for Reconciliation. I desire a faith that overwhelms and pours over into my entire life. We cannot live a compartmentalized life, only welcoming God into our "Sunday Self." I desire God to fill every nook and cranny of my life, and I especially invite Him into those dark places--those that are most untouched by His light. 


When I experience a lack of passion in my faith, it is mostly characterized by an overall feeling that I can rationalize sin in my life. It's hard to be critical of the sin in my life when I am surrounded by people of all types--if "Everyone's doing it, why can't I?" And surely, "why should I feel bad about it if no one else does?" But rationalizing sin only weakens my heart and makes me ordinary. As a Christian, I strive to be extraordinary--a disciple worthy of carrying on Christ's work in the world. Just as it is easy to slip out of healthy living habits, it is easy to get lazy in faith.


Anything that does not build up, encourage and beautify my life is not God. It is so easy to be discouraged by the world around me, but I must be strong and constantly remind myself of this. I must admit that I am a sinner, and I must cling to God and place in Him the hope of my Salvation. God came down from Heaven in order to "save sinners of whom I am first." God doesn't want to expose my sin in order to put me on a guilt trip, but rather, He exposes my sins in order for me to understand that my life means something to Him. He removes my sin so I can love others the way He loves them.


No longer do I approach religion; rather, I approach a relationship. Jesus isn't just some great role model to me, He is my life. I am in love; I am in relationship with Christ; God is my Father who is always by my side. 


I pray that God will expose all of the sin in my life. I pray that He will expose all that is not of Him in my heart. Any sin, big or small, pushes me farther away from Him. I deal with the same sins over & over again, but I will not lose hope. I constantly lay my life down before Christ, and offer Him my entire heart. As God has been exposing my sins to me, I am liberated from them, they no longer are a part of me. He breaks me down only to rebuild me again in order to shelter His name. 


As God reveals more and more things in my life that I must let go of, I only fall deeper and deeper in love with Him. There are scars in my life that I never thought would heal, but as long as I am in the Light, and allow God to encourage me, I am free. My most well kept secrets, my deepest shames--He has already forgiven me. Through His Sacrifice, He perfects me. 


It amazes me how God can still inspire my faith deeper, stretch my heart wider, and liberate me even more from the chains of sin. I no longer am worried. I don't look to what others have or what I think I want. Instead, I look to Him. I know in my heart that He is--truly--all I need. He already is giving me a thrilling ride, setting my heart on fire, and revealing Himself to me around every corner. 


If you open your eyes to what's going on around  you, I guarantee you'll find God working in your life. It just takes some time to practice being mindful. God doesn't always appear in the people that "make" your day. Sometimes He reveals Himself to us in those who we do not necessarily feel attracted to. We must seek out those who are cast out, those who feel they have little worth, and allow God to work through us in order to reach their hearts. By opening up our lives to "the least of these," you will welcome God in through the front door of your life. We are not called to cover our Light, but to be a Light to the world around us that is covered by darkness. There are so many people out there who cannot "see" because of the darkness that consumes their lives. Let us wake up and be that Light for these people.


I am reconciling my heart with God. I am coming home, and I have set aside my anxieties. It is so natural and simple for me to search relentlessly for what I think I need in order to be fulfilled. Have you ever wanted to be someone else? Have you ever wanted life to be more than it seems? "If I could only have that job, if only I could make more money, if only I had a boyfriend--then I'd be happy." How human is this thought process? Sadly, once we attain what it is we think we need, we are left seeking something else. We try to fill our hearts with so many things, so many other relationships, so many false hopes; when the only way to truly feel full is by letting go of everything -- all attachments, all desires, all plans -- and surrender to Him alone: "Our hearts are restless until they rest in You" (St. Augustine of Hippo).


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