the space between

"The space between the tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more." Thank you, Dave Matthews.


As I've mentioned, it's been a bit of a roller coaster lately, but there's so much to feel good about. I have been so caught up in my thoughts, I have barely had time to breathe in the moments surrounding me. 


Taking a quote from another one of the men in my life, Mr. John Mayer, "Take all of your so-called problems, better put 'em in quotations." I've wasted enough time wallowing in my own problems, which I might as well just put in quotations. Sure, I've got some things that I'm dealing with right now, but it's definitely nothing close to what I've had to deal with in the past; and it's nothing compared to the problems that some of even some of the kindergartners at Dolores Mission have to deal with daily. Just this past week, my roommate Katie told me about a little boy--a five year old boy--who told her about his father who had been killed by a gang member. He sat there on the bench next to Katie, swinging his feet back and forth, describing a situation that no five-year-old should be able to recount. 


Last weekend, Katie and I were invited to attend a Dodger's game with the rest of the Dolores Mission faculty. We were watching the game (might I add from a donated luxury suite!) when the principal of DM, Karina, described one of the shootings that happened last year. The day started like any other, the eighth grade class was outside in the parking lot for their PE class when some of the kids spotted a group of five men running down the street, bandanas covering their faces from their eyes down, each of them holding an AK-47. They were shooting at a rivaling gang. The kids immediately dropped to the ground, following what they call the "pancake drill." They knew exactly what to do, just like they had practiced during drills. It's normal. It's routine. Just like a fifth grade me knew exactly what to do when the fire alarm or the--God forbid--tornado alarm went off. These kids know exactly what to do when they see armed, angry men running down the street ready to shoot for the kill. Karina ended the story by saying the day went by very smoothly. It is scary, she said, how good her students and faculty had become at handling the "pancake drill." Last Spring, it was used weekly.


Routine. 


The run-down of this past week:


Sunday~ Jeff Baucher visited Ita Ford and took me out to lunch downtown! It was amazing to see him, and my roomies LOVED him because he brought four or five bags of groceries and goodies to us! Typical Jeff! The most amazing part about seeing Jeff was that he had realized that the cemetery a few blocks from my house is where his grandfather and a few other family members are buried. His grandfather had grown up in Boyle Heights--the area that I work in used to be populated by mostly Italians. This really hit me because Jeff and I have had some amazing conversations about the way our grandparents have impacted our lives, and how we are still in awe of their love. We really have connected through our love of family. So, Jeff and I went to visit the graves of his family members, and ended up standing by his grandfather's grave, silently praying, for a few moments. It was an honor to be welcomed into his life in this way. 




Monday~Went to work, got through the most part of the day feeling like complete crap, and finally couldn't go on any longer, so I took off a little after noon. I went home, and feeling overwhelmed and tired of this constant fatigue and sickness, I reached out to my parents and one of my best friends. I wanted answers. Should I stay? Should I leave? I was so angry that I had to cancel the first day of Aliso Pico Dance Co, the kids were pretty disappointed, too. But, it was probably best that I got rest that night. 


Tuesday~ One of the highlights of Tuesday was that we started meditations with the eighth graders. I have been experimenting with writing meditations on the weekly Gospels. A few of us that work for the parish meet with 4-5 eighth grade students for about 50 minutes every Tuesday. We start by reading the Gospel, we then go into the meditation, afterwards they answer a couple of reflection questions, we share our reflections with one another, we then anoint one another's hands with oil, and end in a pass-around prayer. My group consists of five girls...and I was really impressed with their openness and ability to reflect at a deeper level! I'm excited to share this experience with them every week. 


Wednesday~ highlight: Jesuit Charities Golf Tournament. Paula and I got to sit at a table at the Rosebowl and hand out goody bags/polo shirts to the golfers. It was pretty fun to spend time with the faculty outside of work, and to meet some of the big shots who provide funding for Dolores Mission. I love messing/joking around with the older men (not in a creepy, weird way, I swear), but it was fun to get to talk to them for a bit. That night, Paula and I had our first Scholar's Meeting. This is for all of the alumni of DM that received a scholarship to go onto Catholic High Schools. We expected around 40 teens to show up. Oh, and they did. In a liiiiittle room. 40 TEENS. Did I say TEENS? I don't want to even start on how that went. Just use your imagination. 


Thursday~ Two highlights. Thursday morning, I got to talk to my Kelsey who is doing JVC in San Antonio. She is a constant reminder of the presence of God in my life, and love is constantly overpouring from her heart. The second highlight was our Youth Group that night. Not as many kids showed up on Thursday (which was a nice break from the night before), there were only about 7 of them. But, we got to have a great conversation. We watched a few scenes from Mean Girls and talked about the issue of gossip. Each of the kids had a lot to say about the issue, and I think it really was helpful to have an open conversation about why we gossip, why it hurts, why we shouldn't, and what we can do to strengthen ourselves and resist. It was helpful for everyone, including me. 


Friday~ Highlights: Colleen's parents came to visit from Connecticut! They took Paula and I to lunch and then took all of our casamates out to dinner that night. It was so comforting to be with Mr. and Mrs. Kerrisk, I think we all felt a little more at home with some parental loving care :) 


Weekend~ San Diego. What can I say? Something happened to me there. Something happened that left it's print on my heart so deeply that it can never be removed. I am captivated by the ocean, the beaches, the care-free lifestyle. But, mostly, I am captivated by the people that I have met there. I have met the most unreal, unfathomable, friends that I could ever imagine in San Diego. I don't know if I could get through this experience of JVC without their support and affirmations. Being so close to SD is an incredible blessing. To top it off, Paula Morreale joined my roomies and I for the weekend in SD. It felt amazing to be back, especially with Paula and my new friends by my side. We got to stay with Andy and Bryce, who are the silliest most welcoming hosts in the entire world. I cannot even get into how entertained we were by their company. We also were able to spend time with Kevo, which was incredible, and so very needed. We even got to go to a bar with our new 21 year old--Nina! Seeing these people and spending just a little bit of time reminded me of my reasons for being who I am. We got to surf on Saturday, did the Mission Beach scene that night, had a sleeping bag sleep over in Bryce's room, and on Sunday did a quick tour of SD by foot and car :) It was a breath of fresh air. I already can't wait to get back there. 


Life goes up and it goes down. We cry and we laugh. And then there's the space. The space that "keeps us coming back for more." I talked to my amazing cousin Stina this past week.  She told me how for her birthday, instead of receiving presents, she asked for donations for my dance company. Stina raised $300 for me to buy the kids dance shoes and clothing--I cannot even begin to express how much this means to me. There are no words. And then there's my other cousins Stacy and Jess and my friend Lorena who have been asking how they can go about sending their old dance wear to help the cause. People are incredible. This past Friday, Paula and I were invited to the 3rd grade classroom to help celebrate Father Scott and the 3rd grade teacher's birthdays. The kids presented Father Scott with a birthday card that each of them had signed. One of the kids wrote, "Happy Birthday, Fathers God." Father-sGod....Father Scott. The space between. 

just another heart in need of rescue

We are delicate.

Hearts break for different reasons.

Sometimes just little pieces break loose.

Other times, big chunks.

Scotch tape and glue won't work.

Who will fill the emptiness?

We need each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm going to be honest. This is a lot tougher than I thought it would be. I find each day to be a roller coaster of feeling fully present and fulfilled by the work I am doing, and other moments leave me with so much emptiness that I just don't understand what I am doing here. Why didn't I just make it easier on myself? Stay a little closer to home? But no, I had to come all the way out here, to a neighborhood that overwhelmingly does not speak my language or share my culture. But, that's nothing. The culture, the new community--all of that is something that excites me and challenges me in a good way. But there are some things that break me down and tear me apart. Some things leave me feeling paralyzed and stuck.

The things that I am talking about are things like the fact that one of my mom's best friends passed away this past Tuesday because she fell down the stairs and broke her neck. We've all heard stories about people passing away in terrible ways, but when it hits home? It's different. I felt completely helpless and numb. I can't think about the situation without feeling sick. I want to be home for my mom and to help the family. Immediately after I found out and talked to my mom, a woman named Ellie who works with me at Dolores Mission was there to catch me. She stayed with me, despite the fact that she had meetings to attend, and brought me down to the chapel to stay as long as I wanted. The next day I walked into my office and she had left yellow roses on my desk and a note. That afternoon, I had to attend an evaluation meeting about the summer program. Completely in Spanish. For the most part, I kept up, but my head was spinning from trying so hard to understand that my mind would drift off to other thoughts. My heart was breaking for my mom and for the Bisoulis family. 

After the meeting, I went home to my casamates. We ate dinner, and they knew I was upset so they took me to get frozen yogurt and they even watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants for me (Greg included! :) 

I fall, and I am carried. I fall again. But, always, I am lifted up.

Little victories. 

The sun took a while to show itself yesterday. Even in Los Angeles. I woke up early to make my commute to Beverly Hills where I had a doctor appointment. The clouds and fog blanketed the streets, matching my mood. Although I hate to admit it, I really have a hard time going to the doctor--especially away from home. My doctor in Chicago wants me to see a specialist here in LA every six weeks to keep up with my Crohn's. Well, that's great, except for the fact that I have a hard time facing the fact that I have this disease. I like to live my life thinking that I am perfectly healthy, but more recently I've been getting the carpet pulled from under me, and I am forced to look it right in the eye. I am afraid...I said it. I walked out of the office unable to breathe, thanking God that I was in the hospital in case I fainted right there in the hallway. I felt, and continue to feel, helpless. Fear paralyzes us. I don't exactly want to get into the details of the appointment or why I was so upset in this public blog. I spent the next half hour trying to calm down, talking to my parents on the phone, before I could safely drive back home. Later that night, I got to talk to my dear friend, Sean Lawlor, someone who I look up to in so many ways. Sean has got so many things right. He is the person I go to when I know we are going to have an amazing conversation that challenges me to be a better person, and at the same time leaves me feeling loved and at peace. Sean listened as I spewed out the events of the day and the prior month. It struck me when he told me he could tell how upset I was by the way I was speaking so quickly. I can't begin to explain how good it feels to talk to someone who knows me, knows how I work. He was right. And I slowed down.

We fall and we rise.

Change promotes growth. Discomfort is a symptom of growth. Growing pains are real. But, not all is dark. Light protrudes its way through. Walking into a room full of 2nd and 3rd graders who cannot wait to get their arms wrapped around you is an example of this light. Teaching little kids to dance and seeing their smiling faces is light. Having a silly conversation with an older man at the Food-4-Less and seeing how big of an impact that human contact had on his day is light. Getting funny notes quoting Old Greg from my wonderful roomie is light. Grocery shopping and talking about what we can do to live more simply and mindfully with my other roommate is light. 

Yes, I am hurting. But, I am okay. I am walking blindly. I am trusting God to bring me through. I know it's going to be tough, and it might get tougher from here. But, truly, the best is yet to come. I will walk forward with my heart wide open.

let your love grow tall

So, since I've been bad at updating the last couple of weeks, I'm just going to do a quick recap of some of the highlights that have happened. I promise to try to be more diligent about updates!! 

Over the last couple of weeks a few big things have happened! For one thing, I went home for my cousin Geoff and Jackie's wedding, and got to dance all night long with my favorite people in the world--the cousins! It was really amazing to be home for a weekend. The weekend actually turned into a couple days longer than planned since I got a little sick with Crohn's stuff. Luckily, Father Scott was really understanding and allowed me to take time off until I felt better. So, I got back to LA on Wednesday morning. Paula Morreale picked me up from the airport after laughing about the fact that I said I could take a bus--"you're definitely NOT from LA if you think you can get anywhere in a bus, Dana!" Paula is a LIFEsaver! 

It was a little tough to come back to East LA after being home with my family for the long weekend. I'm not going to lie, it would've been really easy and way more comfortable to just stay home--knowing that Paula is here in LA really helped me to feel more at home. After Paula left I was home alone in the casa for a bit until I had to go into work. I walked around the house, which seemed so foreign compared to the life I left behind in Chicago. I felt incredibly homesick and displaced. Why am I here? Am I really cut out for this JVC thing? Who am I kidding? Can I really make it another full year? Maybe I can just gracefully bounce out before I get in too deep...? These thoughts were going through my head as I walked around and reacquainted myself with this house, with my home. I found myself grabbing onto the kitchen sink for stability in my panic. I looked up and caught a glimpse of the sun shining down through the clouds, through the window, and onto my hands. Finally, I felt quiet and at peace. I took a breath and felt a little silly for forgetting the one thing that I know: God is here with me. I am never alone. I felt God's warmth envelop me once I allowed myself to become present to the moment. I knew at that moment the answer to my questions. I recommitted myself to my reason for being here. I am here for You, Lord. Yes, I am afraid, I am uncomfortable, I miss my family and friends who affirm me and love me, I am homesick, and I feel inadequate for the work I am doing many times. But, I am not here to prove anything to anyone. I am here because I have experienced a Love far better than anything I ever imagined possible. Essentially, I am in love. Now, if you've ever been in love, it's a pretty tough thing to try to ignore. All you can think about is the burning question, "how can I get more, when can I get my fix?" So I'm totally aware that at this point I sound like a bible thumping Jesus freak. And, I'm hoping that if you're reading this blog, you know me fairly well, and know that this isn't the case. And as for question number 2 that I know you're thinking, NO I am not going to become a nun. I'm glad we have that settled. haha. What I am saying is this: I have been blessed to experience God in my life. I have experienced Him through the people that He has placed around me, through the deep love that He pours through them. I have experienced His presence in the highest of times, and I have felt His hands holding mine in the lowest of times. Sometimes He just decides, for no apparent reason, to squeeze my heart and remind me in the middle of the day that He is with me (in case I forgot). He has made Himself present in my life. So present that I cannot pretend to ignore Him. And people do crazy things when they're in love. Crazy things like JVC. And although it gets tough, really tough, at times, I am renewed and I am better when I am reminded by Him that we are here together. Someone once told me to talk to God about the things that you are doing together. So God, I'm here, I'm back, I'm ready to keep doing the things that we have planned together. I am captivated by You. 

As for a few of the events that have happened over the past couple of weeks: 

*Shout out to Andy WIENS for visiting Ita Ford and taking me to Yogurtland. I don't think we stopped laughing the entire time we were together. YUP! 

*Jovenes Seguros (the summer camp @ Dolores Mission) has wrapped up it's eight week program. Last week we took the kids hiking in Pasadena, which ended up being a bit of a disaster but a great adventure. No one had enough water, the kids were getting really tired, we got lost on the trail and ended up walking a mile up the wrong part of the mountain! But, eventually we made it to the waterfalls and jumped in the cold water. It was all worth it. 

*Youth Group has been fun, last week we had a movie and pizza night. A couple of the girls helped Paula and I pick out a movie--we ended up watching "The Back-Up Plan" which was pretty cute. This past Thursday we took the YG to the downtown ArtWalk. It was SO cool. There were tons and tons of people there which was a bit problematic trying to keep track of everyone. I felt like such a mom since I was constantly counting my crew to make sure everyone was accounted for! The other funny part of that night was that a few Planned Parenthood representatives were handing out condoms to our kids. That'll be fun to explain to the parents when their high schoolers come home from Youth Group with a supply of condoms. Yay. 

*Taught my first yoga class this past Wednesday. There were only five of us, but it was really great. A couple of men came, which was a nice surprise! People really seemed to like the class. The next day, Alex told me that he felt really good, so that made me smile. 

*We met Father Greg! Father Greg Boyle is the man who started Homeboy Industries. If you don't know what Homeboy is, definitely google it. It's a program to get gang members out of a bad lifestyle and into a new and productive one. He has made an incredible difference in so many peoples' lives and has improved the LA gang scene exponentially. If you're looking for a good read, try "Tatoos on the Heart" written by Father Greg Boyle....So, what happened was that we went to see Fr. Greg speak at USC. After the talk, he recognized us to be Jesuit Volunteers. He told us to wait while he finished signing books, and then he rounded us all up. He started walking out the door, and beckoning to us to follow him, all he said was "First round's on Homeboy." Yes, we got a drink with Father Greg Boyle. Pretty sweet. 

*On a personal level, I have been setting goals for the next year. Little things I want to work on in order to grow in relationship with God, others, and also to become healthier in general. One thing that I have been struggling with is the decision to drink alcohol or not while being here this year. It is not a requirement for JV's to abstain from drinking while on their year of service, but it is something to think about. Alcohol is a big social justice issue in the communities that we serve. Many of the people that I serve suffer from abusive situations that are caused by the negative affects of alcohol. I am only given $100/month to spend for personal things. Personally, I would way rather use that money for good food, traveling, or sweet events than alcohol. I laid down all of these reasons for not using alcohol this year, but something was still bothering me. I realized that the only thing that held me back from not drinking was the fact that I knew there would be a lot of social events this year that revolve around drinking. It is always just a little awkward to be one of the few not drinking. So, why put myself through that social awkwardness? There's nothing wrong with having just one drink. But, the fact that I was trying to so hard to excuse myself from giving up alcohol was my answer. I decided, once and for all, to give up alcohol for this year. There have already been challenges to this goal: the wedding, celebrating in general, going out with Father Greg (he laughed a little when I ordered a Diet Coke haha), etc. People are really supportive, but it's tough. But, now that I've written it down, and now that all of you know this, I am accountable! 

*Last but not least, the thing I am most excited about! I am starting a Dance Company for the Middle Schoolers and High Schoolers in my community. Just down the street from Dolores Mission Parish is a rec center that serves the kids who live in the projects surrounding it. I noticed that one of the basketball gyms also has mirrors and a ballet barre on one of the walls. So, I got the idea to try and start a dance company. For about a week, I struggled with finding the right person to talk to about this goal, and was shut down many times. I was told that I'd have to pay $40/hour in order to rent the space. But, finally, I found the right guy to talk to, and he agreed to give me the space for free since I wasn't looking to make any profit from this. He is allowing me to have the space for two hours every monday, and in May (May 7th to be exact) he is letting me use the space for a Showcase Performance! I am so excited to start, and already have found a good number of kids who want to be involved. I have found that one of the biggest issues for the girls in this community is their self-consciousness. Most of them suffer from a terrible self image, and I truly believe that if they saw themselves the way that I see them-as beautiful young women-they would begin see that they deserve the best! I am excited to see how dance can help them to see their personal beauty. I am hoping to document their progress from the first day until the showcase. If any readers are interested in sending old dance leotards or ballet/jazz shoes for our use, please let me know! Most of the kids that I am serving don't have more than a couple pairs of shoes for everyday, let alone dance shoes. So, I know that is going to be a tough situation. Please contact me if you can help :0)

Ok, so I know that was only a fraction of what I've experienced in the last couple of weeks, but it's a start. I won't go that long again without a little update. But, thank you so much for reading! God bless! 

Art Walk in downtown LA

LA JV's! 

Jovenes Seguros Hiking Trip

Chivas Soccer Game! Against New England! Arrrrriba!

Some Youth Group members heading to the Art Walk

Some YG members with Paula heading back from the Art Walk