knock three times...

For those of  you who don't already know, I have finally made the difficult decision to not return to East LA. I've been fighting this decision since I got home. I miss my community and yearn for the vibrancy of life experienced as a Jesuit Volunteer. Each day was a new adventure. Each day left something to be discovered, a new strength to be learned, a new depth in my heart to be brought to use. Each day was something beautiful, even the ones that I struggled to get through. It's difficult to leave a situation that was so life-giving, so challenging, and rewarding. I have been dreaming of being a Jesuit Volunteer for over a  year. I went through a stressful application process, and landed the job that also turned out to be my first pick. The last year of my life has been building up to this experience. It gave me something to feel safe about. I had something to do with my life. I had a purpose. Now...I'm left back at the beginning again. I literally have to invent my life from now on. 


The beauty of JVC is that I "knew" I was doing something worthwhile. I knew I was needed, and the work that I was doing was for a great cause. Right now, all that I know for sure is that I want to lead an extraordinary life. I don't ever want to settle for a job that just pays the bills. If you know me at all, you know I'd never make it a day in corporate America. It's just not me (Not to knock down the people who work in it, power to ya). I have been so open and so exposed to true compassion that no substitute will ever fulfill me. I want my life to be a living prayer. I pray that my heart is open wide enough in order to hear my calling, my vocation, from God. I know the only way to be truly happy is to lead the life we are meant to live. We must follow our hearts <3 


If there's one thing that I've learned from the last few months, it's that I don't need to be in southern California in order to experience God's love. I've received so much love in the past month that I feel like my heart is on overload! I cannot help but wonder how this ever happened. What did I do to deserve so much love? I know that I would do anything (and I mean anything) for the people that I love. But, to think that they would do the same for me? It's a little hard to grasp. I've had time to reflect on this gift. I stand back and look at my parents in awe. I really don't believe that there is any boundary to their love. I recall my dad saying that he'd "cross the entire world" for me. The thing is...I believe him. I know my parents love me and my brother and sister so dearly. Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I've ever doubted that. It's just that I've, more recently, become aware. I am practicing being grateful and mindful of my blessings. And, I sure am blessed. Speaking of being grateful, I can't forget to mention the amount of letters and packages, love notes, and e-mails that I've received from people near and far. I love you all more than you'll ever know. 


So, here I am. Back in the midwest. And it's good. My health is getting better, I'm taking care of myself and figuring out what I need. I've been re-hired at Corepower Yoga to teach five classes a week for now. They even sponsored me to get trained to teach Yoga Sculpt (a super fun yoga class that incorporates weights; the best part is I can include Usher on my playlist). So after I'm certified to teach this class, I'll add that into the mix. I really love teaching yoga. It might not sound like the greatest accomplishment, and it might not be the most glamourous post-college job. But, what does it matter what other people think? I feel incredibly blessed to be able to guide people through their yoga practice. I have put a lot of work into being a good teacher, and I continually am learning new ways to deepen my students' practice. I consider it an honor to be able to teach others not only the physical practice of yoga (asana) but also the lifestyle of yoga. I am continuously inspired by my students. It is amazing to be brought into their lives, especially when they share their experiences with me after class. However, my favorite part of teaching is something else. At the end of the class, when they are laying in savasana, I go around and place a cool towel on their forehead. What they don't know is that I say a prayer for each of them individually. Have you ever prayed intentionally for a stranger? It's really beautiful.


And that's what I do. I create awesome playlists, teach people to bend in funny ways, they leave class soaked in their own sweat, and I secretly pray for them. It's okay if you think it's funny. I guess it is a little. :) But you know what? I'm spreading love, and that's what it's all about. 


Other than yoga, I've been spending oober amounts of time with my family and friends. It feels so good to be around them. One of the campus ministers, Rob, from USD, is now working at DePaul University. So, the other night, I got to visit with him and go to DePaul's taize prayer service. It was truly breathtaking. I'm pretty stoked to get more involved in different groups in Chicago that work towards social justice. I visited one of Chicago's Catholic Worker houses and hope to do some work with them soon. I've also been exploring dance therapy, and am really excited about the possibility of studying it further...


What I'm trying to say is that after I made the decision to leave JVC, I felt very lost, and still continue to at times. I felt a little paralyzed...what do I do now? How will I ever find meaning to my life right now? But, as we have been told, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you" (Matt 7:7). 


Well, I'm knockin'. 


I'll sign off in prayer:

My Lord God I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that my desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

 -Thomas Merton

the soul felt its worth

As I stand and look into the mirror
I see a figure of a girl
Trying to live for something more.

Won't you come and make me whole?

_____________________________________________________________

"Long lay the world in sin and error pining.
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth."

No, I'm not trying to start Christmas off even earlier this year (although I LOVE Christmas!), but I want to highlight this lyric. Father Greg Boyle used this same lyric in his book Tattoos on the Heart. He said that it's his favorite line of any song because it truly describes what happens when one of his "homies" (gang members) realizes how much he/she is worth. Each life is worth so very very much.

Isn't it funny how life works? Last week was the first week that I really began to "feel my worth." I finally pieced together the string of ups and downs, the joys, the hopes, and the fears that led me to October. It was last week that I finally felt that I belonged...I belonged to Dolores Mission Parish--they needed my presence. I belonged to my community--my actual presence (yes, my presence) made a difference. I am, in fact, part of this body, this body of Christ. Many parts but one body. I was beginning to feel a part of that in my East LA community. I saw that they needed me as much as I needed them. I was beginning to feel at home.

But, my body had other plans. I really don't want to go into a whole dramatic sequence of events. I am not looking for the kind of response that happens when these things are said -- a tilt of the head and a look of pity. That's really the last thing I want. But, I am going to keep up with this blog, so I will witness to what has happened.

As I've mentioned, my Crohn's disease has been a bit of a struggle lately. During this past week, as my excitement about being a Jesuit Volunteer increased, my body was unable to keep up. I am not complaining in anyway, but I must state that being a JV is an extremely physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausting occupation. The challenge is met with love and welcomed whole heartedly. I've heard it said that the year of JVC breaks you down only to rebuild you back up again. For any normal, healthy person, this year is one of the hardest years of their life; but for a person dealing with a chronic disease, it can be even more of a toll.

I've grown up never using my Crohn's as an excuse. I saw it as a personal weakness to excuse myself from participating in activities or from getting out of any obligations or commitments. I didn't see myself as deserving any special treatment just because of this disease. I would not give it that power. I still do not want to give it that power. I do not want to step down and let it be my priority. It seems like such a waste of energy that could easily consume me. I have so much I want to do, so much more I want to live for. The pain comes and goes, but I get over it. It consumes my being for the time it takes, I take a breath, and I go on. I don't think twice. I have been told that my tolerance for pain is higher than most, which makes sense since I've had this disease for over half of my life. I just grew up assuming that other people feel the same pain. I still have a hard time understanding what it would be like to not feel the way that I do from day to day.

A curse and a blessing.

Because I have such a high tolerance, I have not been able to recognize when I need help. I haven't gotten the treatment that I probably needed because I have just toughed it out. Now, at the beginning of this new chapter of the rest of my life, I am being forced to slow down. I am being forced to take a step back and evaluate what is important. Last Thursday, I left work early again because I felt too weak to make it through the entire day. I was incredibly upset with myself, yet again, and called my parents to ask for their advice. Finally, we came to the conclusion that I needed to be seen by my doctor, and that meant going home. They had me booked on a flight for the following day. I felt sick that I knew I was leaving my community, but at the same time, I knew--deep down--that I needed to do this.

That night, Paula and I had a special event planned for our youth group. We organized a BBQ in conjunction with the Guadalupe Homeless Project and IMPACTO. We bought over a hundred burgers and hot dogs from Costco and relied on other people to bring an assortment of side dishes, drinks, and desserts. We have been so excited about this event for the last few weeks. In past blogs I have mentioned these two other groups, but in case you missed it, GHP is the group of homeless men who have been given shelter at Dolores Mission Parish. They sleep in the church every night, are given breakfast and dinner each day, and are assisted in finding work for the day. They are welcome to stay for three months, and by the end, most leave with a job and a home. The men are absolutely amazing, and I am so proud to call a few of them my friends. I feel so incredibly humbled and thankful to be welcomed into their lives...to be a part of their story. The other group, IMPACTO, is an after school program that runs through high school. We got all three of these groups together, plus families, to have a fiesta. We even had a DJ to add in to the fun!

Needless to say, I did not want to miss this event. I was not feeling well at all, but Katie picked me up from the house and took me to the church. Thankfully, I gained some energy and was able to have a wonderful time. It was so moving to see everyone come together. As Paula and I tried to figure out how to grill the hamburgers, one of the homeless men named Angel came to our rescue. He laughed a little bit at our attempt, and gladly took over. I watched this man, this man who had been through so much, as he prepared the grill. He looked like any dad, he was a natural. Angel had the biggest grin upon his face as he prepared the meal for the night. A few more of the men got their turn in and were overjoyed to help out.

You see, these men are served every day. The parishioners of Dolores Mission have barely anything themselves, but they somehow pull enough together to feed and shelter these men everyday. The men are so incredibly grateful, you can see it in their eyes, in their smiles, you can hear it in their conversations. So, when they are given the chance to give back, you can't imagine how happy it makes them. I watched Angel and the other men serve their fellow GHP men, plus the women who serve them every day, plus the youth who live in the Boyle Heights community. I could feel how empowered they felt from this simple action. I could not help but be reminded of a moment at the University of San Diego when, in preparation for the Search retreat, I had the honor to wash the feet of my peers who had given me so much with their presence in my life alone....but that is another story in itself...

To say the least, the BBQ was a hit. It brought together people who might not always be in contact, and it allowed the served to serve. I cannot tell you how good it felt to see the genuine smiles, to watch the little kids running around playing tag, to see mothers and daughters dancing together, and to hear the laughter exuding from this church. This church that is located in the largest public housing project west of the Mississippi. We were all alive and surrounded by love. What else could we want? It was truly inspiring.

At the end of the night, I was faced back with the reality of my flight leaving the next day. I couldn't ignore it any longer, so I had to talk to my community about it. When we all arrived home, we sat down together and I told them that I needed to go home to be treated for my Crohn's and to figure out a game plan--because mine was obviously not working. We were all very upset, but my casamates are all so so supportive. We stayed up together later than usual and watched a few episodes of Friends. 11-o-clock rolled around, and we all knew it was time to get to bed for the day of work that was in front of us. But, none of us wanted to stand up. We sat there, in silence, for what seemed like forever. No one knew what to do or what to say. Finally, Greg broke the silence by suggesting that it seemed like the perfect time for a prayer. My casamates each said a prayer for our community and for me. My soul felt its worth.

To make a long story short, I arrived home late Friday night and was admitted to the University of Chicago hospital first thing Saturday morning. I was overwhelmed with the love of my family and all of their support--I felt completely cushioned from every direction. On Saturday night, I was given a blood transfusion because I had lost so much blood due to my condition and my anemia level was so severe. My parents and my brother, Alec, were sitting around watching football with me when all of a sudden, two of my best friends walked in the door. Becky and Michelle surprised me, I had no idea that they could find where I was or that they were coming, and they came bearing some pretty funny and cute cards as well as a great set of pajamas to wear instead of those stupid hospital gowns! I was so happy to see them. They stuck around with my family until visiting hours were up and then went to dinner with Alec and drove him home.

Saturday night was my first night alone in a hospital. I almost got to sleep when, at 11 pm, a surgeon came in to tell me that I would most likely have to undergo a very serious surgery (I'd prefer not to mention the details here). My heart sunk and the tears that I resisted with all of my might came rushing out. The poor man didn't know what to do. He could only say he was sorry and assured me that it wasn't completely for sure yet. He left me--alone. There are really no words to describe the way I felt...fear? disbelief? desperation? These words, they just don't cut it.

And then my angel, my nurse, Pam, came into my room. It might not be on her job description, but she sat with me and hugged me, she held me in her arms as I wept. She stayed with me and listened to my pain, and offered help. She told me about all of the patients she takes care of who are around my age and have undergone the same surgery. She revealed to me all of the positive outcomes of having this operation. She opened my eyes to see that it was not all negative, that in actuality, having this surgery would free me from Crohn's disease. It is an incurable disease unless completely removed. It was a lot to take, but oddly, it made me feel better. I was able to see some light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel.

The rest of the night, I was poked and prodded at every few minutes, but other than that I had time to think. Every other moment I would slip back into the darkness and fear that closed me up, but I spent the hours with my God. I imagined him sitting in the chair by my bed, holding my hand. I listened as he spoke to me. He didn't say much. He told me that he would never give me something that I could not handle, and that I didn't have to worry about losing him--He would always be there with me. I would never be alone. Strangely, by around 4 in the morning, I had come to a point of almost accepting this surgery. I had a sense of peace. I do not want to become detached and bitter because of my Crohn's, I don't want to lose my compassion and my ability to see God in all things. That is what I fear the most. And that's when I realized...they can take anything away from me. They can cut and sew me together again, but they can't remove me from God. No one can do that. And then, I was okay. As long as I have God, as long as I can love and be loved, nothing--nothing--can bring me down.

After this night of intensity, my family and I grew a little restless about the uncertainty of what was to come. I was still afraid, but with a new sense of peace, and I could truly feel the prayers that were being said by my friends and family near and far. My heart was being held together and I was strong.

On Monday, the doctors were able to do a complete test to see what was currently going on with my disease. We nervously awaited the results...and finally my doctor came into my room. Although my Crohn's is very severe in certain areas, he is not willing to give up yet. The last resort would be to turn to surgery, but he told me that he does not want to give up quite yet. It took a while to sink in, but I realized that I had received a miracle. I was given a second chance. I really believe in the power of the prayer that was circulating around me this past week. My soul feels its worth.


Thank you for loving me.


"I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me."
 -Matthew 25:36

the space between

"The space between the tears we cry is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more." Thank you, Dave Matthews.


As I've mentioned, it's been a bit of a roller coaster lately, but there's so much to feel good about. I have been so caught up in my thoughts, I have barely had time to breathe in the moments surrounding me. 


Taking a quote from another one of the men in my life, Mr. John Mayer, "Take all of your so-called problems, better put 'em in quotations." I've wasted enough time wallowing in my own problems, which I might as well just put in quotations. Sure, I've got some things that I'm dealing with right now, but it's definitely nothing close to what I've had to deal with in the past; and it's nothing compared to the problems that some of even some of the kindergartners at Dolores Mission have to deal with daily. Just this past week, my roommate Katie told me about a little boy--a five year old boy--who told her about his father who had been killed by a gang member. He sat there on the bench next to Katie, swinging his feet back and forth, describing a situation that no five-year-old should be able to recount. 


Last weekend, Katie and I were invited to attend a Dodger's game with the rest of the Dolores Mission faculty. We were watching the game (might I add from a donated luxury suite!) when the principal of DM, Karina, described one of the shootings that happened last year. The day started like any other, the eighth grade class was outside in the parking lot for their PE class when some of the kids spotted a group of five men running down the street, bandanas covering their faces from their eyes down, each of them holding an AK-47. They were shooting at a rivaling gang. The kids immediately dropped to the ground, following what they call the "pancake drill." They knew exactly what to do, just like they had practiced during drills. It's normal. It's routine. Just like a fifth grade me knew exactly what to do when the fire alarm or the--God forbid--tornado alarm went off. These kids know exactly what to do when they see armed, angry men running down the street ready to shoot for the kill. Karina ended the story by saying the day went by very smoothly. It is scary, she said, how good her students and faculty had become at handling the "pancake drill." Last Spring, it was used weekly.


Routine. 


The run-down of this past week:


Sunday~ Jeff Baucher visited Ita Ford and took me out to lunch downtown! It was amazing to see him, and my roomies LOVED him because he brought four or five bags of groceries and goodies to us! Typical Jeff! The most amazing part about seeing Jeff was that he had realized that the cemetery a few blocks from my house is where his grandfather and a few other family members are buried. His grandfather had grown up in Boyle Heights--the area that I work in used to be populated by mostly Italians. This really hit me because Jeff and I have had some amazing conversations about the way our grandparents have impacted our lives, and how we are still in awe of their love. We really have connected through our love of family. So, Jeff and I went to visit the graves of his family members, and ended up standing by his grandfather's grave, silently praying, for a few moments. It was an honor to be welcomed into his life in this way. 




Monday~Went to work, got through the most part of the day feeling like complete crap, and finally couldn't go on any longer, so I took off a little after noon. I went home, and feeling overwhelmed and tired of this constant fatigue and sickness, I reached out to my parents and one of my best friends. I wanted answers. Should I stay? Should I leave? I was so angry that I had to cancel the first day of Aliso Pico Dance Co, the kids were pretty disappointed, too. But, it was probably best that I got rest that night. 


Tuesday~ One of the highlights of Tuesday was that we started meditations with the eighth graders. I have been experimenting with writing meditations on the weekly Gospels. A few of us that work for the parish meet with 4-5 eighth grade students for about 50 minutes every Tuesday. We start by reading the Gospel, we then go into the meditation, afterwards they answer a couple of reflection questions, we share our reflections with one another, we then anoint one another's hands with oil, and end in a pass-around prayer. My group consists of five girls...and I was really impressed with their openness and ability to reflect at a deeper level! I'm excited to share this experience with them every week. 


Wednesday~ highlight: Jesuit Charities Golf Tournament. Paula and I got to sit at a table at the Rosebowl and hand out goody bags/polo shirts to the golfers. It was pretty fun to spend time with the faculty outside of work, and to meet some of the big shots who provide funding for Dolores Mission. I love messing/joking around with the older men (not in a creepy, weird way, I swear), but it was fun to get to talk to them for a bit. That night, Paula and I had our first Scholar's Meeting. This is for all of the alumni of DM that received a scholarship to go onto Catholic High Schools. We expected around 40 teens to show up. Oh, and they did. In a liiiiittle room. 40 TEENS. Did I say TEENS? I don't want to even start on how that went. Just use your imagination. 


Thursday~ Two highlights. Thursday morning, I got to talk to my Kelsey who is doing JVC in San Antonio. She is a constant reminder of the presence of God in my life, and love is constantly overpouring from her heart. The second highlight was our Youth Group that night. Not as many kids showed up on Thursday (which was a nice break from the night before), there were only about 7 of them. But, we got to have a great conversation. We watched a few scenes from Mean Girls and talked about the issue of gossip. Each of the kids had a lot to say about the issue, and I think it really was helpful to have an open conversation about why we gossip, why it hurts, why we shouldn't, and what we can do to strengthen ourselves and resist. It was helpful for everyone, including me. 


Friday~ Highlights: Colleen's parents came to visit from Connecticut! They took Paula and I to lunch and then took all of our casamates out to dinner that night. It was so comforting to be with Mr. and Mrs. Kerrisk, I think we all felt a little more at home with some parental loving care :) 


Weekend~ San Diego. What can I say? Something happened to me there. Something happened that left it's print on my heart so deeply that it can never be removed. I am captivated by the ocean, the beaches, the care-free lifestyle. But, mostly, I am captivated by the people that I have met there. I have met the most unreal, unfathomable, friends that I could ever imagine in San Diego. I don't know if I could get through this experience of JVC without their support and affirmations. Being so close to SD is an incredible blessing. To top it off, Paula Morreale joined my roomies and I for the weekend in SD. It felt amazing to be back, especially with Paula and my new friends by my side. We got to stay with Andy and Bryce, who are the silliest most welcoming hosts in the entire world. I cannot even get into how entertained we were by their company. We also were able to spend time with Kevo, which was incredible, and so very needed. We even got to go to a bar with our new 21 year old--Nina! Seeing these people and spending just a little bit of time reminded me of my reasons for being who I am. We got to surf on Saturday, did the Mission Beach scene that night, had a sleeping bag sleep over in Bryce's room, and on Sunday did a quick tour of SD by foot and car :) It was a breath of fresh air. I already can't wait to get back there. 


Life goes up and it goes down. We cry and we laugh. And then there's the space. The space that "keeps us coming back for more." I talked to my amazing cousin Stina this past week.  She told me how for her birthday, instead of receiving presents, she asked for donations for my dance company. Stina raised $300 for me to buy the kids dance shoes and clothing--I cannot even begin to express how much this means to me. There are no words. And then there's my other cousins Stacy and Jess and my friend Lorena who have been asking how they can go about sending their old dance wear to help the cause. People are incredible. This past Friday, Paula and I were invited to the 3rd grade classroom to help celebrate Father Scott and the 3rd grade teacher's birthdays. The kids presented Father Scott with a birthday card that each of them had signed. One of the kids wrote, "Happy Birthday, Fathers God." Father-sGod....Father Scott. The space between. 

just another heart in need of rescue

We are delicate.

Hearts break for different reasons.

Sometimes just little pieces break loose.

Other times, big chunks.

Scotch tape and glue won't work.

Who will fill the emptiness?

We need each other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm going to be honest. This is a lot tougher than I thought it would be. I find each day to be a roller coaster of feeling fully present and fulfilled by the work I am doing, and other moments leave me with so much emptiness that I just don't understand what I am doing here. Why didn't I just make it easier on myself? Stay a little closer to home? But no, I had to come all the way out here, to a neighborhood that overwhelmingly does not speak my language or share my culture. But, that's nothing. The culture, the new community--all of that is something that excites me and challenges me in a good way. But there are some things that break me down and tear me apart. Some things leave me feeling paralyzed and stuck.

The things that I am talking about are things like the fact that one of my mom's best friends passed away this past Tuesday because she fell down the stairs and broke her neck. We've all heard stories about people passing away in terrible ways, but when it hits home? It's different. I felt completely helpless and numb. I can't think about the situation without feeling sick. I want to be home for my mom and to help the family. Immediately after I found out and talked to my mom, a woman named Ellie who works with me at Dolores Mission was there to catch me. She stayed with me, despite the fact that she had meetings to attend, and brought me down to the chapel to stay as long as I wanted. The next day I walked into my office and she had left yellow roses on my desk and a note. That afternoon, I had to attend an evaluation meeting about the summer program. Completely in Spanish. For the most part, I kept up, but my head was spinning from trying so hard to understand that my mind would drift off to other thoughts. My heart was breaking for my mom and for the Bisoulis family. 

After the meeting, I went home to my casamates. We ate dinner, and they knew I was upset so they took me to get frozen yogurt and they even watched Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants for me (Greg included! :) 

I fall, and I am carried. I fall again. But, always, I am lifted up.

Little victories. 

The sun took a while to show itself yesterday. Even in Los Angeles. I woke up early to make my commute to Beverly Hills where I had a doctor appointment. The clouds and fog blanketed the streets, matching my mood. Although I hate to admit it, I really have a hard time going to the doctor--especially away from home. My doctor in Chicago wants me to see a specialist here in LA every six weeks to keep up with my Crohn's. Well, that's great, except for the fact that I have a hard time facing the fact that I have this disease. I like to live my life thinking that I am perfectly healthy, but more recently I've been getting the carpet pulled from under me, and I am forced to look it right in the eye. I am afraid...I said it. I walked out of the office unable to breathe, thanking God that I was in the hospital in case I fainted right there in the hallway. I felt, and continue to feel, helpless. Fear paralyzes us. I don't exactly want to get into the details of the appointment or why I was so upset in this public blog. I spent the next half hour trying to calm down, talking to my parents on the phone, before I could safely drive back home. Later that night, I got to talk to my dear friend, Sean Lawlor, someone who I look up to in so many ways. Sean has got so many things right. He is the person I go to when I know we are going to have an amazing conversation that challenges me to be a better person, and at the same time leaves me feeling loved and at peace. Sean listened as I spewed out the events of the day and the prior month. It struck me when he told me he could tell how upset I was by the way I was speaking so quickly. I can't begin to explain how good it feels to talk to someone who knows me, knows how I work. He was right. And I slowed down.

We fall and we rise.

Change promotes growth. Discomfort is a symptom of growth. Growing pains are real. But, not all is dark. Light protrudes its way through. Walking into a room full of 2nd and 3rd graders who cannot wait to get their arms wrapped around you is an example of this light. Teaching little kids to dance and seeing their smiling faces is light. Having a silly conversation with an older man at the Food-4-Less and seeing how big of an impact that human contact had on his day is light. Getting funny notes quoting Old Greg from my wonderful roomie is light. Grocery shopping and talking about what we can do to live more simply and mindfully with my other roommate is light. 

Yes, I am hurting. But, I am okay. I am walking blindly. I am trusting God to bring me through. I know it's going to be tough, and it might get tougher from here. But, truly, the best is yet to come. I will walk forward with my heart wide open.

let your love grow tall

So, since I've been bad at updating the last couple of weeks, I'm just going to do a quick recap of some of the highlights that have happened. I promise to try to be more diligent about updates!! 

Over the last couple of weeks a few big things have happened! For one thing, I went home for my cousin Geoff and Jackie's wedding, and got to dance all night long with my favorite people in the world--the cousins! It was really amazing to be home for a weekend. The weekend actually turned into a couple days longer than planned since I got a little sick with Crohn's stuff. Luckily, Father Scott was really understanding and allowed me to take time off until I felt better. So, I got back to LA on Wednesday morning. Paula Morreale picked me up from the airport after laughing about the fact that I said I could take a bus--"you're definitely NOT from LA if you think you can get anywhere in a bus, Dana!" Paula is a LIFEsaver! 

It was a little tough to come back to East LA after being home with my family for the long weekend. I'm not going to lie, it would've been really easy and way more comfortable to just stay home--knowing that Paula is here in LA really helped me to feel more at home. After Paula left I was home alone in the casa for a bit until I had to go into work. I walked around the house, which seemed so foreign compared to the life I left behind in Chicago. I felt incredibly homesick and displaced. Why am I here? Am I really cut out for this JVC thing? Who am I kidding? Can I really make it another full year? Maybe I can just gracefully bounce out before I get in too deep...? These thoughts were going through my head as I walked around and reacquainted myself with this house, with my home. I found myself grabbing onto the kitchen sink for stability in my panic. I looked up and caught a glimpse of the sun shining down through the clouds, through the window, and onto my hands. Finally, I felt quiet and at peace. I took a breath and felt a little silly for forgetting the one thing that I know: God is here with me. I am never alone. I felt God's warmth envelop me once I allowed myself to become present to the moment. I knew at that moment the answer to my questions. I recommitted myself to my reason for being here. I am here for You, Lord. Yes, I am afraid, I am uncomfortable, I miss my family and friends who affirm me and love me, I am homesick, and I feel inadequate for the work I am doing many times. But, I am not here to prove anything to anyone. I am here because I have experienced a Love far better than anything I ever imagined possible. Essentially, I am in love. Now, if you've ever been in love, it's a pretty tough thing to try to ignore. All you can think about is the burning question, "how can I get more, when can I get my fix?" So I'm totally aware that at this point I sound like a bible thumping Jesus freak. And, I'm hoping that if you're reading this blog, you know me fairly well, and know that this isn't the case. And as for question number 2 that I know you're thinking, NO I am not going to become a nun. I'm glad we have that settled. haha. What I am saying is this: I have been blessed to experience God in my life. I have experienced Him through the people that He has placed around me, through the deep love that He pours through them. I have experienced His presence in the highest of times, and I have felt His hands holding mine in the lowest of times. Sometimes He just decides, for no apparent reason, to squeeze my heart and remind me in the middle of the day that He is with me (in case I forgot). He has made Himself present in my life. So present that I cannot pretend to ignore Him. And people do crazy things when they're in love. Crazy things like JVC. And although it gets tough, really tough, at times, I am renewed and I am better when I am reminded by Him that we are here together. Someone once told me to talk to God about the things that you are doing together. So God, I'm here, I'm back, I'm ready to keep doing the things that we have planned together. I am captivated by You. 

As for a few of the events that have happened over the past couple of weeks: 

*Shout out to Andy WIENS for visiting Ita Ford and taking me to Yogurtland. I don't think we stopped laughing the entire time we were together. YUP! 

*Jovenes Seguros (the summer camp @ Dolores Mission) has wrapped up it's eight week program. Last week we took the kids hiking in Pasadena, which ended up being a bit of a disaster but a great adventure. No one had enough water, the kids were getting really tired, we got lost on the trail and ended up walking a mile up the wrong part of the mountain! But, eventually we made it to the waterfalls and jumped in the cold water. It was all worth it. 

*Youth Group has been fun, last week we had a movie and pizza night. A couple of the girls helped Paula and I pick out a movie--we ended up watching "The Back-Up Plan" which was pretty cute. This past Thursday we took the YG to the downtown ArtWalk. It was SO cool. There were tons and tons of people there which was a bit problematic trying to keep track of everyone. I felt like such a mom since I was constantly counting my crew to make sure everyone was accounted for! The other funny part of that night was that a few Planned Parenthood representatives were handing out condoms to our kids. That'll be fun to explain to the parents when their high schoolers come home from Youth Group with a supply of condoms. Yay. 

*Taught my first yoga class this past Wednesday. There were only five of us, but it was really great. A couple of men came, which was a nice surprise! People really seemed to like the class. The next day, Alex told me that he felt really good, so that made me smile. 

*We met Father Greg! Father Greg Boyle is the man who started Homeboy Industries. If you don't know what Homeboy is, definitely google it. It's a program to get gang members out of a bad lifestyle and into a new and productive one. He has made an incredible difference in so many peoples' lives and has improved the LA gang scene exponentially. If you're looking for a good read, try "Tatoos on the Heart" written by Father Greg Boyle....So, what happened was that we went to see Fr. Greg speak at USC. After the talk, he recognized us to be Jesuit Volunteers. He told us to wait while he finished signing books, and then he rounded us all up. He started walking out the door, and beckoning to us to follow him, all he said was "First round's on Homeboy." Yes, we got a drink with Father Greg Boyle. Pretty sweet. 

*On a personal level, I have been setting goals for the next year. Little things I want to work on in order to grow in relationship with God, others, and also to become healthier in general. One thing that I have been struggling with is the decision to drink alcohol or not while being here this year. It is not a requirement for JV's to abstain from drinking while on their year of service, but it is something to think about. Alcohol is a big social justice issue in the communities that we serve. Many of the people that I serve suffer from abusive situations that are caused by the negative affects of alcohol. I am only given $100/month to spend for personal things. Personally, I would way rather use that money for good food, traveling, or sweet events than alcohol. I laid down all of these reasons for not using alcohol this year, but something was still bothering me. I realized that the only thing that held me back from not drinking was the fact that I knew there would be a lot of social events this year that revolve around drinking. It is always just a little awkward to be one of the few not drinking. So, why put myself through that social awkwardness? There's nothing wrong with having just one drink. But, the fact that I was trying to so hard to excuse myself from giving up alcohol was my answer. I decided, once and for all, to give up alcohol for this year. There have already been challenges to this goal: the wedding, celebrating in general, going out with Father Greg (he laughed a little when I ordered a Diet Coke haha), etc. People are really supportive, but it's tough. But, now that I've written it down, and now that all of you know this, I am accountable! 

*Last but not least, the thing I am most excited about! I am starting a Dance Company for the Middle Schoolers and High Schoolers in my community. Just down the street from Dolores Mission Parish is a rec center that serves the kids who live in the projects surrounding it. I noticed that one of the basketball gyms also has mirrors and a ballet barre on one of the walls. So, I got the idea to try and start a dance company. For about a week, I struggled with finding the right person to talk to about this goal, and was shut down many times. I was told that I'd have to pay $40/hour in order to rent the space. But, finally, I found the right guy to talk to, and he agreed to give me the space for free since I wasn't looking to make any profit from this. He is allowing me to have the space for two hours every monday, and in May (May 7th to be exact) he is letting me use the space for a Showcase Performance! I am so excited to start, and already have found a good number of kids who want to be involved. I have found that one of the biggest issues for the girls in this community is their self-consciousness. Most of them suffer from a terrible self image, and I truly believe that if they saw themselves the way that I see them-as beautiful young women-they would begin see that they deserve the best! I am excited to see how dance can help them to see their personal beauty. I am hoping to document their progress from the first day until the showcase. If any readers are interested in sending old dance leotards or ballet/jazz shoes for our use, please let me know! Most of the kids that I am serving don't have more than a couple pairs of shoes for everyday, let alone dance shoes. So, I know that is going to be a tough situation. Please contact me if you can help :0)

Ok, so I know that was only a fraction of what I've experienced in the last couple of weeks, but it's a start. I won't go that long again without a little update. But, thank you so much for reading! God bless! 

Art Walk in downtown LA

LA JV's! 

Jovenes Seguros Hiking Trip

Chivas Soccer Game! Against New England! Arrrrriba!

Some Youth Group members heading to the Art Walk

Some YG members with Paula heading back from the Art Walk

First Week

Wow. I made it--my first full week of work as a JV.

I must say, there is way too much to write about, so I'm going to try to just talk about the highlights of the week.

I started off this past Monday at a meeting with EQUIPO--a group that comes together with representatives from all the main community outreach centers in Boyle Heights. It is run from Dolores Mission Parish. We discussed different topics like the summer programs going on at IMPACTO, and the grass-roots summer program called "Jovenes Seguros Verano Divertido" that a few moms in the church decided to organize for their children. The program runs at the plaza of DM, parents can drop their kids off for a day of fun--gratis. It has truly been inspiring to watch these women come together to ensure a safe program for their children. There is a meal provided each day by a different family that Paula and I have been lucky enough to partake in :) Paula and I have been spending half-days working with the kids at the camp. This past Thursday we chaperoned a trip to the beach and aquarium. I think I found myself a couple new best friends, seven-year-olds Carlos and Michelle--arguably the cutest and sweetest kiddos in East LA! A big hug from a kid you just met has the power to cure just about anything.

After the meeting on Monday, Paula started showing me everything she did in the past year as a Youth Minister and began to explain to me the different programs that we are in charge of running. One of the main programs that we will be running is a Confirmation program for high schoolers. We will be teaching catechism classes weekly, organizing service trips for them to complete, putting together youth masses in different and fun locations (aka BEACH!), organizing a confirmation retreat (possibly in a snowy location), and also just throwing some fun events for the kids to get to know each other. This program is going to be a big chunk of our work, and I am really excited to get it running. The classes start in October and run through May.

Another program high on the to-do list for Paula and me is the Scholar's Program. This is basically a program where 30 students who went to DM School receive a $2000 scholarship to go onto Catholic High Schools. Note that this money is provided by one man. We've been told that this program many times makes the difference from students entering into a productive lifestyle versus falling into gang life.

Another program that we are in charge of organizing is the Immersion Program. This is a program in which different universities and high schools come to spend a long weekend or a week at Dolores Mission. Their days are jam packed with different activities, like waking up early (3 am) to make breakfast for the homeless men who sleep at the church before they are bussed to different job agencies in LA. Other activities include helping out with after school programming at the school, visiting Homeboy Industries, helping out on skidrow, and the list goes on and on. Paula and I will be overseeing many of the details of this program.

And of course, we have youth group! Every Thursday night, we meet with high schoolers to play games, eat, and hang out. I had my first youth group this past Thursday, we made banana boats, played salad bowl, played another game involving hula-hoops, and just hung out. I really love hanging out with the high schoolers--they are SO much fun and SO very sassy! Gotta love 'em. I have already met a great deal of them because they love to come up to our offices and just talk and help us out with stuff that we're working on. The other day we walked around the neighborhood and met some kids playing basketball in the rec center around the corner. Paula and I are going to try to organize a youth group retreat for the fall.

Another thing I'm really excited about is that I'm going to be offering free yoga classes on Wednesday evenings for the people at Dolores Mission Church/School, and opening it up to the larger Boyle Heights community. There is a program called Underwings that is an after-school program for the kids at DM where they work on their homework and then get to participate in fun activities. I am going to be teaching a dance class for 2nd-5th graders on Thursday afternoons...I'm really excited for this! I'm hoping to put together a little showcase for them to show off their new moves to their families and friends at the end of the semester. Another program that Paula and I will be offering to the Underwings kids is a Girl Talk hour. It basically is what it sounds like--just girls, talking about girl stuff. Enough said!

Goodness gracious! There is so much else going on that we are involved in....the community participates in Caminatas, a tradition in which a group of people walk around the neighborhood and make stops at certain places where kids sing songs and pray. Other traditions that I cannot wait to be a part of are the Dia de los Muertos, Our Lady of Guadalupe Day, Christmas Novenas and Posadas, and so much more. But, all this is in the future...

As of now, I'm loving living in the moment - day by day.

One thing I'd like to share is my experience this past Monday night. After a long and tiring day in the office and meeting tons of new faces, my casamates and I met up in the basement of the school to eat dinner with the homeless men. Now, I have participated in many-a-soup kitchen, but, as shameful as it is to admit, I have never sat down to eat with the people that I have served. I have cooked and handed out silverware and drinks. I have offered a smile and warm conversation. But, I could never bring myself to eat from the same plates, use the same utensils, and drink from the same cups that I have personally handed out to these homeless men and women to use. That was a boundary that I put up, a wall between "them" and "me." To be honest, this never phased me. I felt that I had done a good job by just going and helping out--which, of course, I did. But, what's the use of serving others if we do not simultaneously stand with them? ......... Is that not the point?

JVC is teaching me that I not only am serving the under served, but they are serving me. I am no better than them, I am no more entitled to a life of luxury. It's true, I do have a safety net to fall back on--the blessing of growing up in a privileged community. But, I am beginning to feel the way it feels to not have that net. I don't go home to a luxurious home, I don't have a comfortable ride to work everyday, I don't have much solitude, I share a bathroom with four other people, I have to spend a lot more time in the grocery store and actually check prices to ensure that I am getting my money's worth. The list goes on. I have to keep reminding myself that this is my life. I am still living very well and in luxury compared to even some of the members of my community, but, and I'll leave it at this, things are definitely DIFFERENT. Different but welcome. I am very uncomfortable. But, I am more comfortable than ever. Is that possible? A smart man once said that we are not meant to be comfortable. We are always meant to be uncomfortable, so we are constantly working for change, for the bettering of our communities, for the (if you will) "largening" of our hearts.

Anyway, to finish my story about Monday night. We sat down with the homeless men, ate from the same plates they ate from, and shared conversation. Well, the conversation was a pretty funny part of the situation because my Spanish usually comes out in a mixture of Italian/Spanish/English. One man found this to be incredibly funny and got a kick out of laughing at (or with?) me :) I didn't mind. After dinner, a few of the men joined my casamates and I in a classroom where we lead an English class. The class was so so much fun. We learned body parts and played bingo. The men really enjoyed themselves. It was incredibly rewarding to see that we were able to bring them some joy in the midst of a difficult time in their lives. Every Monday night, we will be eating with these men followed by a casual and fun English class.

Last weekend we visited China Town, tried some of that bubble tea stuff (sorry, not a fan!), and walked around Venice Beach. This past Friday, we went to a farmers market in Mariachi Plaza, and tried to mesh in with the huge crowd that was there to enjoy the beautiful mariachi band! So much fun! Afterwards, we joined all of the other JV houses in LA in a party at one of the other houses. It was a really great time to see everyone again and hear about their first weeks. Yesterday (Saturday) we slept in and then drove up to a beach near Malibu. We brought an entire watermelon with us that we cut up on the beach and ate right there. The funny part was that our chunks were more like 1/4 watermelon each, so we were a great sight. Other than that, we relaxed, took in the sun, did some body surfing, and watched the surfers (which made me a little crazy since I don't have my board with me!). Afterwards, we drove home, made stir fry, and hung out.

This morning we went to the 9 am mass at Dolores Mission, which is known as the "gringo/social justice" mass. It is the only English speaking mass at the church on Sundays. Paula and I made a few announcements about youth group and the yoga classes coming up. After that, our support family (Kristina, Brady and Baby Ben) took Colleen, Katie and Greg on a Costco trip while Paula and I stuck around to make announcements at the next two masses. Now, I must say, although I am officially a "youth minister" I feel more like a "church lady:" one of those older ladies who are always around, they seem like they never leave, and always know everything about what's going on in the church. It's pretty funny. But, Paula and I are happy to do the job. I couldn't be more honored to be associated with this incredible community. So, instead of attending each of the masses after the 9:00, Paula and I sat around with some older women in the plaza of the church. The conversation was all, of course, en espanol. I kept up for the most part, mostly nodding, smiling and laughing. The woman sitting next to me had some sort of Mexican dish on her plate that she kept referring to as "muy bien." Trying to be polite, I would say, "si si, looks like it!" That was all it took for her to force me and Paula to eat the rest of the plate while she bought another platter. She was so happy to feed us I thought she might explode! It was pretty great. I guess Latino culture isn't too much different from us Greeks....you eat? You're cool.

So, the next two masses were Spanish speaking, and what does that mean? Yes! Announcements are also in Spanish! Paula helped me to rehearse my Spanish shpiel about the new yoga classes that we'll be offering, and I actually did it! It was pretty funny, I must say. But, the older mujeres (fellow church ladies) in the front row wore the most encouraging smiles. I think that my mix of Italian and Spanish turned out to be quite endearing -- lots of laughs at the new gringo girl had by all. Once again, fine by me. Turns out, a lot of people, guys included, are very interested in taking yoga. Can't wait to start!

Well, that's it for now. Thanks for reading and I'll write soon!

A delicious looking cake baked by x-gang members at Homeboy Bakery

Alternative Latino Music Festival (fundraiser for Impacto) This band was AMAZING--they're really famous in Nicaragua

Venice Beach

Mariachi Plaza

Beach by Malibu

OK! So I left off saying that we visited each of our job placements yesterday. First of all, I need to explain that I have four of the most amazing casa-mates in the world! Katie, Colleen, Paula and Greg. We started out the day by visiting Dolores Mission School and Parish which is where Katie will be teaching P.E. classes, Paula and I will be doing youth ministry, and Colleen will be working in collaboration with as youth resource coordinator. The principal of the school gave us a presentation on the history of DM and the Boyle Heights area. The school is surrounded by project housing, and that is where most students come from. $5600 is the actual cost of tuition at DMS, but expense is never something that should turn a family away from an education. The school works with families personally to come up with a payment plan. Something like 90% of students are given scholarships. Some families only pay $20 a month, depending on their income and situation. The school is hardly run on tuition, the money really comes in from fundraising and donations.

It was nothing less than inspiring to hear the story of Dolores Mission and how this community has come together in order to promote change. There are so many organizations that have come out of this community. I don't have time to go into all of them, but I'll tell you about one that stuck with me. Last year there was a fatal shooting on a corner just a block from the school and parish community. In response, the older women in the community came together, prayed, tried to think what Christ would have them do in this situation, and out of their contemplation came an idea. These women all wore green shirts and stood on every street corner in order to ensure their children getting to and from school safely. On the corner where the shooting happened, two older women and Father Scott (my boss) stood. They didn't need to say anything, just their presence was enough. The respect that people have for these older women and for Father Scott who has done so much for this community is incredible.

After the presentation we walked across the street to the DM church, which was beautiful. By night, it becomes a homeless shelter for men trying to get jobs. There is actually a sleep capacity sign in the church. Just to the right of the church there is a beautiful outdoor area for gathering and parties. The homeless men are involved in gardening, so there are an abundance of plants around the Church as well. There is so much to be involved in here, I can't wait to get started.

Next, we drove over to Greg's placement, the LA Center for Law and Justice. His workplace was celebrating the end of the term for their interns, so they were having a big bbq party that we got to join in on. Greg's placement is very inspiring because they offer free help to people in this area who otherwise could not receive legal help. He will be working largely with women involved in domestic violence. After Greg's placement, we visited Colleen's placement, Projecto Pastoral. This place was bustling with little kids getting ready for a talent show that they were putting on last night! It is basically, from what I understand, a youth center and Colleen will be working with here and in connection with Dolores Mission in youth outreach. One of the goals of this organization is something they called "pipelines," to promote a positive childhood that lasts and eventually leads to attending college.

We were invited back to Dolores Mission to end the day in meditation. Yolanda, a lay minister at DMP, lead us through an Ignation mediation in which we placed ourselves in Peter's feet while he looked out to Christ who was walking on water. We all found this type of meditation/prayer to be very peaceful and powerful. It was a beautiful way to end the very busy day. We drew cards to figure out room situations, and I am living in a double with Colleen--yay! I'm pretty excited about my new roomie. Last night we took it easy, got lost trying to find "El Superior," the local grocery store, not to be confused with "El Super," the least cool of the two.  We did a little staple shopping, walked back to the casa, cut up half a watermelon, warmed up the last of the pizza, and had a great dinner and great conversation.

East LA in a few words: colorful, big families, big-eyed beautiful babies, hoop earrings, taco trucks, horchata, little old ladies, smiling faces, mariachi, loud music, porch parties.

I love you, ELA. Can't wait to get to know you better.

reception area outside church

Colleen at her placement with the mural of Boyle Heights the kids made (it explains the different paths a child can take in their community, either positive in the church or negative into gang life)

Dolores Mission Parish

Dolores Mission Parish sleeping capacity sign